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In a recent survey, in which people were asked to rank life's most unpleasant experiences, this was the final result, in order of most to least painful: 1. A job interview.Why are job interviews perceived as so horrible? Guilt. We feel incredibly guilty about all the lying we have to do to get the job. But the employment arena has left us no other choice. It's compete or starve; tell them what we think they want to hear, or the next applicant will. Because if we answered the questions truthfully, we'd have about as much chance of becoming gainfully employed as – Kato Kaelin... * * * Question: Why did you leave your last job? What we end up saying: I felt it was time for a greater challenge with a more progressive company. Truthful response: They found out I'd stolen enough office supplies to open a small stationery store. * * * Question: What excites you in your current job? What we end up saying: The opportunity to find increasingly more effective and economical ways for my company to conduct business, enabling it to maintain its lead in the competitive marketplace. Truthful response: Every Friday afternoon, a group of us leave early for O'Houlihan's Happy Hour, where Shirley, from Customer Service, gets tanked, hops up on the bar, and sings "I'm Just A Girl Who Can't Say No." * * * Question: What have you learned from your mistakes? What we end up saying: That each set-back is a learning experience which invariably leads to a superior, more efficient means of doing my job. Truthful response: It is not a good idea to attempt to xerox your rear end while the boss is giving potential investors a tour of the office. * * * Question: How well do you perform under pressure? What we end up saying: I thrive on pressure. Pressure is the one thing that inspires me to do my clearest thinking, to get my work done quickly, and to often surprise both myself and my employers by coming up with unique solutions to difficult problems. Truthful response: Once, while filling in for the receptionist, two phone calls came in at the same time and I burst into tears. * * * Question: Why are you seeking a position with this company? What we end up saying: My extensive research has revealed that this company is at the forefront of new developments on the Information Superhighway, and I very much wanted to have the privilege and opportunity to contribute to its groundbreaking success. Truthful response: The 75 places I contacted before this one wouldn't even let my parole officer set up an interview. * * * Question: Where do you see yourself in five years? What we end up saying: At this company, in a position of greater responsibility, helping to map strategy and policy which will insure the company's continued success and leadership in the business community. Truthful response: Back in prison, begging my cellmate to let me be the husband this time, just this once. * * * Question: What motivates you to put forth your greatest effort? What we end up saying: A genuine passion for this field of work, a burning desire to be the best at what I do, and the fact that I'm a workaholic who is genuinely happy only when I am serving my company and its goals. Truthful response: The warning, "You've got two days to shape up, or you'll be out of here so fast your head will spin." * * * Question: How would you describe yourself? What we end up saying: A resourceful, goal-oriented perfectionist. Truthful response: Like Beavis & Butthead, minus the sophistication. * * * |
Mark Miller
is a former stand-up comic and current Los Angeles-based comedy writer,
who has written and produced TV sit-coms, been a humor columnist for the
Los Angeles Times Syndicate, and has produced a weekly comedic relationships
feature for America Online.
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